Man naturally desires, not only to be loved, but to be lovely; or to be that thing which is the natural and proper object of love.
He naturally dreads, not only to be hated, but to be hateful; or to be that thing which is the natural and proper object of hatred.
He desires, not only praise, but praise-worthiness; or to be that thing which, though it should be praised by nobody, is, however, the natural and proper object of praise.
He dreads, not only blame, but blame-worthiness; or to be that thing which, though it should be blamed by nobody, is, however, the natural and proper object of blame.
Adam Smith – Theory of Moral Sentiments
I love this thought from Smith: that we wish not only to be viewed with affection, but also (at least when we’re healthy) that we have a kind of emotional integrity, a desire for “that within which passeth show” – to be loved not because of what we seem to be, but because of what we really are.
If I was paraphrasing this as advice, I’d say: “You should aim to be loved and respected by the people you love and respect.”
This isn’t about placing the locus of our self-esteem outside yourself as much as a recognition that – operationally at least – that’s where it actually is. The respect part is important: we all have people we love or have affection for that we don’t entirely respect and wouldn’t seek to emulate, or whose taste we don’t trust.
Get on the bus with people you love and respect.